


When We Can

by xychedelics



Category: Amar a Muerte (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Secret Lovers, dramatic gays, the requested Luceva oneshot from the Juliantina childhood sweethearts AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-23 17:25:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18154832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xychedelics/pseuds/xychedelics
Summary: Now that we know Eva and Lucía's secret... These events take place during Valentina's quince from Eva and Lucía's point of view. Their subtle glances and touches are giving them away. We see grumpy, snobby Eva in a different light in this offshoot one-shot from "To the Ends of the Earth," Juliantina Childhood Sweethearts AU.





	When We Can

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [To the Ends of the Earth](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17577593) by [xychedelics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xychedelics/pseuds/xychedelics). 



> As requested by J_El, a Luceva one shot from my Juliantina Childhood Sweethearts AU, "To the Ends of the Earth" :)  
> Enjoy!

_Could love and fear exist together?_

It was a thought that plagued Eva Carvajal ever since she had moved to the United States for further studies. Living in a foreign country offered much of the freedom that she was not allowed back in her hometown of Mexico City-- mostly because León was strict with her and her younger sister Valentina. Their father was a kind-hearted man but he still held quite a conservative perspective. He held traditions close to his heart. In spite of this, the Carvajal girls were anything but meek. They knew how to stand their ground and they marched to the own beats of their drums which, more often than not, made the two girls quarrel in their younger years. It was when Eva was away from her family that she began to find who she really was even more, without restrictions. She began to see the world with a fresh pair of eyes. The distance, perhaps, did her well as she softened towards her younger sister as she grew more mature.

If there were only three words to describe the eldest Carvajal, it would be brilliant, beautiful, and bold.

Fear was a myth for her, a lore that crippled one's state of mind that she believed she would never succumb to. Being the know-it-all that she was, she thought she had love all figured out-- having an ivy league education, a decent relationship with a young man who her father approved of, and the usual succession of marriage and kids was in her future. However for her, there was nothing about the whole nine yards that seemed special. It was just something that people around her did and she was inclined to do the same. For her, love was a mundane circumstance-- but not until she found herself falling in love with someone she did not expect. And it so happened that these grand, inescapable feelings she had never felt with anyone else before, of what love could truly mean, was with a woman-- the equally brilliant, beautiful, and bold, Lucía Borges.

 

* * *

 

It was Lucía’s first time being in vibrant Mexico City. She had seen much of the world, travelling from west to east but never once did she set foot in the land that her girlfriend, Eva Carvajal, called home-- not until now when it piqued her curiosity how Mexican _quinceañeras_ were celebrated. She decided to come along with Eva for the weekend, for Valentina’s _quince_. After grabbing their luggage in the carousel, the blonde slipped her arm on Eva’s waist and kissed her on the neck as they made there way to the arrivals wing at the airport. The pair could not get their hands off of each other; it was as if letting the other out of their sight or their touch would make their better halves disappear. The pair were too clingy with each other. In fact, they were constantly wrapped around each other just moments ago in their 5-hour business class flight from New York to Mexico. The blonde attempted once more to draw her love closer but the taller girl agitatedly took herself out of her lover’s hold, weary of strangers’ possible glares and whispers.

“Is there something wrong, _mamita?_ ” Lucía asked.

“Mexico isn’t like New York, Luce… or like the places in Europe that you grew up in.” Eva lamented as she set her lover’s hand to her side and kept a bit of distance. Her eyes took a quick sweep of the vicinity hoping that no one had seen them in the intimate act. She spotted two older women staring daggers at them, seemingly scandalized and gossiping with their not-so hushed tones. Eva bowed her head down low, hoping that the women did not know who she was.

That she was a Carvajal.

“I know you’re excited being here in my hometown for the first time, but we have to be a bit careful." Eva swallowed hard. "Besides, no one needs to know.”

Lucía repressed her exasperation every time Eva said those words. _No one needs to know._

Lucía Borges, growing up with a liberal family in Europe, has had relationships with both women and men before. From these lovers she had, she knew Eva was different. There was no doubt in what she felt for her, not a fleeting feeling but something that was constant; it was the kind of love that she did not want to hide, that she wanted to tell the world about just because she had never felt profoundly for anyone that way. She stubbornly closed the distance between them once more and tucked the brunette’s hair behind her ear.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered closely to the taller girl’s ear. “I can’t help it when you’re looking so goddamn beautiful all the time.”

Eva sheepishly smiled, face flushed from the boldness of her partner. If they were not in a public space, she would have grabbed the blonde and gave her a breathtaking kiss. But she could not. She knew this place too well. She was known in the place too well.

A young lady, still dressed in her school uniform, was waving ecstatically to them at the exits. She had the same bright blue eyes and luscious brown locks that Eva had. Lucía surmised that the young lady was Eva’s younger sister, _the quinceañera_ herself, Valentina.

“ _Papá_ is still on a meeting so he told me to fetch you here in the airport after school,” she explained as she threw a hug to her sister.

“You must be Lucía!” The younger girl turned to the blonde, enveloping her in a tight embrace as well. “Eva had told me much about you. I’m so glad you could make it to my _quince_!”

Eva was right about her younger sister being a huge bubble of gleeful energy, Lucía thought. She and Valentina seemed to be the best of friends just seconds after they met. Valentina already had her arm linked with the blonde and she was enthusiastically telling her about her _quince_ tomorrow and how amazing her stay in Mexico City would be. Seeing Valentina adoring her girlfriend that much-- although she did not know that she and the beautiful lady were together-- made Eva’s anxious heart settle for a bit. She thought that if she had the courage to tell her family in the future-- that she was in love with a woman, at least someone in her family would accept her. Valentina had such a huge heart that there was no way in the world that she would ever deny her. Eva allowed Lucía and Valentina to sit together in the backseat while the driver stowed their luggage in the trunk of the car. Valentina was her cheerful, babbling self to the guest, and the older girl matched her level of enthusiasm. It only took three words for an opening conversation to light up the younger Carvajal-- “Frida Kahlo House,” which the blonde mentioned as a place she would like to visit. Lucía paid attention when Eva told her that Valentina adored anything that was related to art-- she paid attention to anything she said. The two of them having an engaging back and forth conversation about the revered Mexican artist thawed out Eva’s frequently cold heart. She was certain Lucía was out to sweep everyone in her family off of their feet.

Eva watched the mundane scenes of Mexico City’s streets through the tinted glass of the car smiling to herself. She was swept with a calming feeling every time she came home. But it was different this time around that she brought her girlfriend with her. She was excited but cautious. The moment would bring great possibilities but also possibilities of accidentally outing themselves. Every now and then, Eva would turn around from the passenger seat to look at Lucía. They communicated with knowing gazes, as it was the language that lovers become fluent with over time. Subtleties had no escape in the language of lovers. Eva stifled a smile when Valentina began talking too fast for Lucía-- it was something that she knew her younger sister unconsciously did when she was too fascinated with talking about something. The blonde gave her love a look that seemed to say, _I can handle it_. The brunette acknowledged her and looked away. She adored feeling Lucía’s eyes on her even when she looked away.

 

* * *

 

A few hours before Valentina’s _quince_ , the young ladies were already getting dressed. Eva wanted to make sure everything went smoothly as planned before the event. She had to check the location, the cakes, and if the chamber orchestra they hired had already arrived. Lucía knew that her girlfriend had a tendency to overly control things. She thought Eva was such a nerd for finding it fun to organize and delegate such occasions. It was nerdy, but she adored that about her. Eva was slipping into her ebony halter dress, and Lucía could not help but sneak a peek of her lover in her bareness through the mirrors.

“Will your ex be around?” Lucía timidly pried as she put on some earrings in front of a well-lit vanity.

“Mateo? No, he’s studying in Connecticut.” Eva sauntered towards where the blonde was after putting on her dress. She beckoned for her to face her. She tediously smeared the same Hollywood-red lipstick on Lucía as she continued, “But his father will be around. _Papá_ invited him. I think he’s still holding up hope that I’ll be marrying the future president’s son. It’s ridiculous!” Eva scoffed. There was nothing wrong with Mateo. In fact, they were still amicable towards each other after they broke up. Mateo was already dating another girl from his university. Yet, their parents seemed to still be hung up on a relationship that was not theirs. They were conjuring future plans that they were not theirs to make. 

“But, will you marry me when we can?” The blonde playfully joked-- but she half-meant it. Her emerald eyes meeting Eva's blue ones gave it away. That part of her that desired and dreamt of it was palpable. It was the year 2009, legislation was in the throes of recognizing same-sex marriage in Mexico City. Eva had not thought of it-- she was two years younger than Lucía and she had not entertained the idea of marriage, let alone with a woman.

“When we can?” The brunette emphasized the first word. She was cognizant that what Lucía said was just a joke but it was still a loaded question; the most arbitrary of words, the most mundane, yet it had everything to do with defining “forever” for both of them.

_When?_

Signified hope that their love could ever be recognized.

_We._

Signified that there was no one they would ever see in the same light of love as they already did with each other.

“A million times over," Eva cupped Lucía's face with both of her hand and looked her directly in the eye, "when we can.” The brunette then showered her love with a multitude of kisses, leaving Hollywood-red lipstick marks all over her angelic face. 

“Eva!” Lucía reprimanded her girlfriend while giggling in between kisses. “I’m taking back what I said if you go on with this lipstick massacre!”

“You already proposed! No take backs!” The taller girl countered as she happily pranced out of the room quickly before Lucía could take hold of her and bombard her with kisses too.

The blonde could not wipe the smile on her face. She felt winded, as if she ran a marathon. However, her mind and her heart did-- with racing thoughts about the endless possibilities of a future with her love. That sweet smile suddenly turned into a bitter frown, as she was reminded that Eva was completely terrified of being outed, of anyone knowing about their love. Her heart sunk. Behind closed doors, Eva so readily declared her love and admiration for Lucía. Did it matter that no one knew? Did it not matter if part of her wanted to let the words spill out of her mouth?

 _No one needs to know._  Eva's voice echoed inside her head.

But what if Lucía wanted the world to know?

 

* * *

 

Symphonic music filled the hotel garden's atmosphere. Guests were pouring in and Eva was still badgering the event planner that she hired about everything being properly set up for the night. Eva caught sight of Lucía from the corner of her eye, shaking her head in amusement. One look from the young lady with emerald eyes and Eva already knew she had to stop being so frantic. The blonde had that calming effect on her like no one else did. Her presence, her words, and her touch always made her feel all right and that things would be all right if they were not for now. 

The procession was about to begin and Lucía was seated on the Carvajal's table. She was a foreign face to the guests and yet she was seated with the family. The people surmised she must have been important to the family.

Perhaps she was; indeed she was to Eva.

After the court of honor was introduced. Eva and her father León marched towards the stage. Lucía's eyes glistened as she watched Eva walk down the aisle. She had seen her prior to the main event but the young lady never ceased to take her breath away. She seemed to be living in that movie cliché of having the moment in slow motion, as if the whole world was falling away and it was just the two of them. Maybe it was a good idea for the whole world to fall away. There was no one to instill fear in Eva, she could love freely, openly-- just as Lucía had wished.

 _Let the whole world fall away and let me love you just as I ought to_ , the blonde said inside her mind.

All throughout the night, Lucía had to watch her girlfriend awkwardly and nervously bat off questions about her relationship status by nosy relatives and other intrusive family friends. The staple questions of: _do you have a boyfriend?_ Followed with a mournful: _that’s such a shame for a beautiful and intelligent young lady like you!_ And then topped off with the expectant addition of: _don’t worry, it will come sooner or later._ Sometimes there were also unwarranted advises like: _men don't like women who are more capable than them, so perhaps lessen the intensity a bit, Eva?_  

It was in these repetitive moments that Eva was overcome with fear more than love-- that these tirades of expectations from her was something that she could never fulfill. Eva was not the type of person who aimed to please people. In fact, she had a "take it or leave it" disposition. But when it came to her reputation-- the one so associated with her prestigious name, Carvajal-- she dwarfed in the thought that her father would never be proud of her, or to accept her for loving a woman. But Lucía was not just another woman. She was everything that she could ever hope for a partner and more. Lucía understood or at least tried to understand that this was where Eva was coming from-- that she was this brilliant young lady who seemed to do no wrong and could fight courageously, relentlessly for what she believed in. However, in these moments of public interrogation where she was bombarded with questions that she was not ready to answer, she had her tail between her legs. Whenever Eva was approached with those annoying and invasive questions in the presence of Lucía, the brunette would turn to her secret lover with apologizing eyes. Lucía could not do anything more than to muster up a smile, as if to say that it was fine-- when deep inside her, she was aching not to be denied anymore. 

There were moments in the night that Eva wanted to steal kisses from her love, but she could not. There were eyes watching them. Eva could hear her father’s voice inside her head.

_You are a Carvajal!_

_What would other people think?_

She hoped that people did not notice how she beheld Lucía in her sight whenever she caught sight of her from across the room. Perhaps no one could really notice because they too were enamored with the foreign beauty just as much as she was. She was nothing but delightful to her family, especially to Valentina and Juliana. Eva knew she was beyond lucky to love and be loved by a Lucía Borges. It always pained her inside that she could not love her as openly as she had wished. The patience she had with Eva is unparalleled, unique. There was no one else quite like her-- and perhaps, no one will ever come close to how perfect she was for Eva.

Lucía spent most of the night with Valentina's friend, Juliana. Both of them were outsiders to the lives of the Carvajals in Mexico City and it felt comforting to have her around when Eva was working the room. When Juliana asked her if she was “really friends” with Eva, she thought their secret was compromised-- that it took a few glances for the younger girl to deduce that what they had was something more than just being friends. She wanted to be swallowed by the ground that held her feet. It made her wonder who else knew and if it was that obvious. It was not so much that people knew that she preferred both men and women. It did not matter if they knew she was bisexual. She was more concerned about Eva-- and the way she would react if anyone who was not supposed to know, knew. She settled for an ambiguous response to the younger girl, knowing that indirectly answering it did not affirm nor deny it. Sometimes, when she did deny it, she felt her body shaking as if at any second she would implode with the truth. Lucía settled for such a response because she had a feeling in the pit of her stomach that Juliana liked women the way that she did. She knew that look from the younger girl's face; the way Juliana looked at Valentina was the way she looked at Eva. She knew the look of love.

 

* * *

 

When the night was over, Eva and Lucía retreated to their private suite in the hotel. The brunette, feeling exhausted for the day quickly took a shower and got dressed for bed. She was ready to call it a night. She badly wanted to forget the roller coaster of anxieties she had for the day that she failed to recognize that Lucía was in low spirits-- and it was rare for the young lady to be that way.

"Come to bed,  _papi."_  Eva urged while already lying in the sea of fresh blankets and pillows.

The blonde was not speaking. She sat on the kitchen counter still in her ivory dress, sipping a glass of red wine. She was pondering on the things that happened that night. In New York, they were free to be who they were-- to show their love. But in Mexico, it was a different. All of her actions, her emotions, restrained. 

"Luce? Come to bed, please. Cuddles, please?" Eva was trying to be cute with her girlfriend, but Lucía acted as if she did not hear anything. Eva finally walked over to her. She held the blonde's soft hands and brought them close to her cheeks. She leaned in for a kiss but was rejected.

“Sometimes, I feel tired of hiding." The blonde finally spoke, dejected as she turned away when Eva tried looking her in the eye. "How is something that feels so right supposed to be bad?" Lucía exhaled underneath her breath while toying with her fingers. Eva's heart sunk. She would be damned if she would not admit that this to her was everything that felt right. 

“I want the world to know how much I love you.” Lucía's voice cracked as a tear fell from the corner of her eye. The alcohol was prompting her with shots of honesty.

The whole world did not need to know. Perhaps not yet, Eva thought. But for now, Lucía was her world. And it was enough that she knew. Eva resounded the words she always spoke. "But no one needs to know. Not yet."

"You always say that, Eva." Her words came a little more defensive that she ought to have spoken. The blonde inhaled deeply to keep her tears in. She spoke once more with confidence, " _Je veux être avec toi pour toujours_ , but you can't always love in fear."

Eva, hearing an answer to the question that she so asked herself a million times, breathed in and knew this was the time to put her defenses down. She delicately ran her hands on Lucía's arm, kissing her wrists and hands. "I'm sorry that I can't love you the way you want me to right now, but what I can try to do is to love you the best way I know how." And the best way she knew how was to love her in spite of the fear.

The brunette cupped her hands on her lover's cheeks, "Please be patient with me,  _mi vida._ " She leaned in once more and let her lips meet with the Lucía's own. She moaned into the kiss before having her bottom lip caught in between the blonde's teeth. She could taste the wine in her mouth and she wanted her most.

"Come to bed now, babe?"

Moments later, breathless and tangled in each other's limbs, the two young ladies laid naked in bed in silence. Their bodies close, but not too close enough, so like impulse, Lucía drew Eva closer to her warmth. It was in these intimate, though secret, instances that Eva felt like fear could not stand in her way, that she was brave enough to love. And she knew it in herself that she would. She would love her better when she can.

 _Could love and fear exist together?_  Eva found her answer, tamed in Lucía's arms-- her bare skin bathed with the faint lights of the city emanating from the windows of the room, her heart bathed in the light of Lucía's love.

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't write a sex scene so y'all get to guess who's the dom and the sub ;) haha  
> The flashback of the Luceva origin story will be part of the main plot in the Juliantina Childhood Sweethearts AU :)
> 
> This is the Luceva theme song: https://open.spotify.com/track/0noCuTj3zBtcBBQayfavC8?si=91z9VEWDQ5moRThwKBK-Iw


End file.
